I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
