She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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