Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
