Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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