Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
