Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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