my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
