I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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