i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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