Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize