do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
