Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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