You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
