im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
