It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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