she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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