I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
