Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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