Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
