I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
