I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
