Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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