Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
pop tarts are not kleenex
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Randomize
