Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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