Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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