Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
