i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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