She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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