Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
