I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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