I can text with my tongue
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I could make wine with my vomit
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
