Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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