you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
