This is not my ceiling
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
