the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize