can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Randomize
