every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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