After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Small penises have feelings too.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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