My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
