dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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