New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
