It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
