Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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