So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
