i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
