She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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