i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
