I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
