You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
