so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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