Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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