I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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