She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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