I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
