I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
