he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize