i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
