Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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