there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
