Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
