And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
