when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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