The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
