So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
