she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
